Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
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It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without