“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
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Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
you know what ruined my childhood? children
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I drew y’all a little something.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.