Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
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79.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”