Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
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Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Stop sending me this shit.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.