From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
You Might Also Like
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
? 💀
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.