Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
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Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed