Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
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Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Lol
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
[montage of me giving-up]
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”