But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
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YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
smh
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Dance like you’re not the father
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.