The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
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Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.