The 4 stages of a family vacation
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Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.