I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
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My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.