@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
You Might Also Like
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Wikigenius
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.