(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
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From my Mom
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital