SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
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If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
FINE, I WON’T.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is