Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
You Might Also Like
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Thoughts
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.