My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
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[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.