Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
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welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
That’s enough internet for the day
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
The devil.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Wednesday