Apparently, this is how the world ends.
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I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out