Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
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this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
That time Alicia messaged me
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.