My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
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You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.