[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
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someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
WHO DID THIS?
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
no their not
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else