Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
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Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.