Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
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Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.