Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
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Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Breaking news:
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
These are my roll models.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate