Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
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I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh