its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
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“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
My sex drive has a dui
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*