Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
You Might Also Like
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Previously On Persistence 😎
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.