I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
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a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming