Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
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“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.