Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
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once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.