I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
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what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Ovenable?
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
*launders Kohls cash*