[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
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1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌