Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
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I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Haha! 😂
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.