2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
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friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again