Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
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hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
i really liked this one
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.