Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
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Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
You saw nothing. I am ham.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain