I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
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That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
reviewed some movies recently
A friend sent me this.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
i can’t wait that long