Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
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Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.