In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
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*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.