I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
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*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.