[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
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Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
mechanics be like
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
That’s fair
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work