My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
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sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Still cracks me up
You’ll be OK
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I cannot stop laughing at this
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
#MeanwhileinCanada
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK