You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
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Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
hackers play passwordle
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP