Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
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getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.