Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
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Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.