Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
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Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.