her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
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Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
*jingles half the way*
the composer
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”