What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
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A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat