DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
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My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs