Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
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Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
WTF IS THAT!
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.